For anyone who's always felt greetings cards we're far too schmaltzy.
 

BIRTHDAY WISHES

 

Happy Birthday, Grandma

I note you're living still

But can you get a shift on?

I'm waiting for the will.

 

WEDDING BELLS!

 

Let's toast the happy couple

Here's to you and John;

They say it's third time lucky

So try to keep this one.

 

DIVORCE

 

Best wishes on your third divorce

Good riddance to the louse

Let's hope you get another million

And another house.

 

PASSED YOUR TEST!

 

Well done, young man, you've passed your test

So soon drive like a berk;

Insurance cost him twenty grand

So crash your daddy's Merck.

 

A NEW BABY BOY!

 

Another bouncing baby boy

Some white, some black as coal

Two more than Vicky Pollard now

All paid for by the dole.

 

IN DEEPEST SYMPATHY

 

Accept these deepest sympathies

Heart-felt and well meant

By the way, though, will you need

Your brand new two-man tent?

 

ON YOUR RETIREMENT

 

Congratulations! You've retired

You one-time silver fox

Enjoy now each and every day

Before you're in your box.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

When Christmas comes but once a year

Indulgence is no sin

I've sent your favourite prezzie -

A shot of heroin.

 

LEAVING

 

You're leaving us I'm sad to say

You'll soon be moving on

The whip-round raised a million quid

To make sure that you're gone.

 

CHRISTENING

 

I've sent a Christening gift for it

A lovely silver toy

From your separated husband

(Now was it girl or boy?)

 

A NEW HOME

 

You'll soon move into your new home

From doorways of the pubs

I hope you put down solid roots

Inside of Wormwood Scrubs.