We shared
Sweets
Dreams
A bed
A room
A home
A family
An abuse
A neglect
A secret
A history
And yet here we are
So very fucking different
We shared so very much
And yet so very little
You were
A coconut cake girl
To my burnt gingerbread
An exotic orange
To my plain apple
A wanted girl
To my nuisance
A beautiful girl
To my awkwardness
A favourite
Of aunts and teachers and cousins
A wanted child
A loved child

And if I sound bitter at all
It's because I am

I learnt early on
To hate myself
For how could I love
An awkward walk
A useless girl
A child like me they'd never known
I said I love you
They said we love her more
And I understood
I was unloveable
Ugly
A disappointment
A nothing girl
An I've never known a child like you girl
And for a long time
I hated you
I blamed you
I resented you
Yet loved you still

You had the privilege of favour
Secure in your lovedness
The sweet taste of nurture
And I understand when you tell me you never asked for this
But I never asked to be second best either
And I do think you got the better deal

So here I am
A jealous child
12 years old still
And hurting
Bitter tears stream down wine bloated cheeks
Rivers of blood seep through my sleeves
And I vomit the too many pills

I'm not blaming you
You have always, always been there for me
Like no other
You are not the one that caused this pain
But I am jealous of your special bond

Please don't expect me to feel like you
Though it was a sanctuary
A place of safety
It was also the place I learned to hate myself
And although we went through so much together
Our childhoods were quite different, you see.