I got on my knees
I begged a god that's dead for peace
I cleaned every countertop you touched with bleach

I clipped my nails
Washed my hair with sulfate-free shampoo
Ate kale
Moisturized
Removed all traces of you
All the gifts
Tape-measured my waistline
Deleted you from my Netflix

I ran in the mornings
Recorded my pace
I held my breath for four seconds
Exhaled for eight
Went to painting lessons
And women's empowerment groups

Meditated 20 minutes each day
I lit candles when I bathed
Took myself out on dates

I split myself into three
Deleted you from my contact list
Integrated my shadow
Comforted the child in me
Changed and burned my sheets

I counted the months we didn't speak
Practiced saying "no"
Sat with all my feelings
Spent time with community
And then alone

And still... my disgust penetrates my bones

I tried to scrub you off me
You've violated every cell in my body
Infiltrated my bloodstream
I'd slice my veins open and bleed
Myself dry
Just to be clean

I got a text saying
"I'm sorry"
With a taunting sad face emoji
I'm afraid your apology
Won't make me the person I used to be