My dearest darling Jeremy Clarkson,

I love you too,

I love you on a “cellular” level,

On a brain-cellular level that is,

Not much to love, is there?

Unlike you, I don’t lie in bed at night “grinding my teeth”,

Because I have a healthy, vigorous sex life,

Well, I’ve got a life!

And I wouldn’t dream of having you “paraded naked” through the streets,

No,...

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